How to Talk About STI Testing and Sexual History with a New Partner.
et’s face it: sex is hot, exciting, and intimate. But before you get caught up in the thrill, it’s important to make sure that both you and your partner are on the same page when it comes to sexual health. The question is, how do you bring up sensitive topics like STI testing and sexual history without killing the mood or making things awkward?
It might feel like navigating a minefield at first, but don’t worry—having an open, honest conversation about sexual health can actually be empowering. Not only does it ensure that both of you stay safe, but it also sets a healthy, mature tone for the relationship (whether it’s casual or long-term). Here’s your ultimate guide to asking these essential questions without ruining the vibe.
1. Set the Stage for a Comfortable Conversation
Before diving into the topic, make sure the setting and tone are right. If you’re in the heat of the moment or in a situation where things are already a bit too physical, it’s probably not the best time to bring up sexual health. Instead, choose a moment when you’re both relaxed and can have a candid conversation—whether that’s over a casual coffee date, during a quiet evening at home, or after a few weeks of getting to know each other.
Start by casually discussing topics like birth control, health, or general well-being. This can ease into the conversation smoothly. For example, say something like, “I’ve been thinking about how important it is to keep ourselves healthy, especially in new relationships.” This sets the tone without sounding accusatory or judgmental.
2. Be Honest About Your Own Sexual Health
The key to making this conversation feel less like an interrogation is to open up first. If you’ve been tested recently, share that with your partner to set an example. This makes it clear that you value sexual health and want to create a safe, open dialogue. You might say, “I’ve been tested recently, and I think it’s important to know each other’s sexual health status.” When you share your own experience, it helps normalize the conversation and makes it less uncomfortable for your partner to reciprocate.
3. Ask in a Non-Accusatory Way
When asking about their sexual history, avoid coming off as judgmental or accusatory. You’re not questioning their character, but rather ensuring that you’re both being safe. Try not to phrase your questions in a way that sounds like an interrogation. Instead of saying, “How many people have you slept with?” which might make your partner feel defensive, try something more neutral like, “I think it’s important to be upfront about our sexual health. Can we talk about your past sexual health history?”
Framing the conversation as something about mutual well-being rather than scrutiny makes the situation feel less intimidating and more like an open conversation. A good way to introduce the subject could be: “I want to make sure we’re both healthy and safe, so I’d love to talk about our sexual health before we go any further.”
4. Use Humor to Lighten the Mood
Sexual health conversations don’t have to be super serious. Injecting some light humor into the moment can ease any tension and make the exchange feel more relaxed. For example, you could say something like, “So, let’s talk about the sexy stuff—like making sure we don’t catch anything unwanted!” Or, “Before we get too carried away, let’s make sure our health is in check so we can keep enjoying each other safely.” A playful comment can help break the ice without undermining the importance of the conversation.
5. Use “We” Language, Not “You”
When discussing sensitive topics like STIs or sexual history, it’s essential to use inclusive language to avoid making your partner feel singled out. Rather than saying, “You need to get tested,” frame the conversation as a mutual responsibility. Use phrases like, “I think it’s important for both of us to get tested,” or “I’m making sure I’m up-to-date with my health, and I’d like to make sure you’re doing the same.” This keeps the discussion collaborative rather than confrontational.
This way, it feels like a team effort rather than pointing fingers or making assumptions. After all, sexual health is everyone’s responsibility.
6. Respect Their Privacy
Everyone has their own comfort level when it comes to sharing personal details about their past. If your partner seems reluctant to go into specifics, respect their boundaries. It’s important to remember that sexual history is personal, and while it’s essential to discuss STI testing and health, it’s okay if they’re not ready to divulge every detail of their sexual past.
You can offer reassurance by saying something like, “I totally respect your privacy. If you’re not comfortable sharing too much, I just want to make sure we’re both safe and on the same page.” This shows you value their feelings while still maintaining the importance of sexual health.
7. Keep the Tone Positive and Encouraging
There’s no need to make the conversation heavy or uncomfortable. Keep things light and positive by focusing on the benefits of being tested and staying healthy. Emphasize how testing can help both of you enjoy sex without worrying about unwanted risks. You could say something like, “Getting tested is actually a really empowering thing to do—it helps keep the fun going without any worries!”
By focusing on the positives, you can make it clear that the conversation isn’t about judgment—it’s about mutual care and respect.
8. If the Conversation Doesn’t Go as Planned, Don’t Panic
If your partner seems defensive, evasive, or uncomfortable, don’t panic. It’s possible they’ve never had this conversation before, or they’re not used to being asked about sexual health. Be patient and try not to pressure them. Respect their boundaries, but also ensure that you stay firm in your desire for a healthy and safe experience.
You can say, “I understand if this feels awkward, but I really want to make sure we’re both healthy and safe. If you’re not comfortable talking about it right now, that’s okay—but it’s something that’s really important to me.”
9. Lead by Example and Set Boundaries
Just as you want your partner to be open with you, you should also make sure to set your own boundaries and be honest about your sexual health. Let them know if you expect certain behaviors from them, such as getting tested regularly or being open about their past. Healthy relationships—sexual or otherwise—are built on respect and communication, so it’s crucial to establish these boundaries early on.
Asking your new sexual partner about STI testing and their sexual history doesn’t have to be a mood killer. In fact, when approached with honesty, humor, and respect, it can be a great way to build trust and ensure both of you stay safe. So go ahead, have that conversation—because the more open you are about your health, the better the experience will be for both of you.
